By Shanequa Fleming
I’m feeling anxious again, Father. I know I shouldn’t be. I know there’s no need. I know you want me to have faith in you, and I do, but if I’m being honest, I’m not okay. I don’t know. I guess just the feeling of being stuck here in my current position is getting a bit weary and frustrating.
However, I thank you, God. Thank you for the position that I’m in right now. Thank you for making me sit and wait. I know that these hard times are producing perseverance, building my character, strengthening my faith in you, and equipping me with what I need for my future.
Even though it feels as if I’ve been waiting for a long time, I know that what you have for me is worth waiting for. I just need to have patience and know that everything will work out in the end.
I’m not who or where I want to be at the moment, and that’s okay. I know I’m exactly where I need to be. It’s a process. I know you’re working on me, and I know I still have a lot of growing to do and more lessons to learn. But Jesus, I must admit, this ongoing mental battle that I’m facing, these emotions that are getting the best of me, is a daily struggle. I know you’ve given me all the weapons I need to fight, but still, I need your help.
I tend to isolate myself from people. I have some days when I just want to sleep so I won’t have to get up and face the day. When I’m awake, the thoughts in my mind never stop going, and I allow the worries of this world to weigh me down.
I’m constantly looking in every direction to see where my blessing is gonna come from. I’m waiting for you to show up with this evacuation plan to get me out of this place.
I just wanna be alone with you, but whenever I get by myself in quietness, I can hear the enemy loud and clear trying to get in my head. I need to hear your voice, Father.
I need to go higher; I want to be high up with you. Not a drug type of high, but the type of high where all I feel is joy and peace in You. The type of high where no negativity, no enemy, no type of harm can reach me.
I need you to capture my mind, Father, place your words deep inside my heart, get them stuck in my mind. Replace my thoughts with your thoughts. There are times when I know I need to pray, but no words come out. Lately, it’s been a lot of “God, I… nevermind.”
I need you take my hand so I can walk with you. I’m sorry I keep turning away from you.
Lately, I’ve been confused. Trying to fight off these lies of insecurities, the lies of anxieties that come from not having answers.
I want to love myself, but I don’t want my focus to be on myself. I want to love myself the way you love me, but I don’t want to fall into the self-seeking trap. I’m trying to stay humble, but I can’t tell the difference between me having confidence or having pride. Aren’t I called to be strong and courageous? But what if I’m not doing it the right way? I’m contradicting myself.
I’m second guessing everything I do. I can’t depend on myself. I don’t want to get in the way of Your will, Father—not my will for my life, but Yours. I don’t want to do what I think is best for me because in the past, every time I did what I wanted to do or what I thought was best, I ended up down the wrong path.
Some won’t understand this, but Lord, we need your help. We need you to save us from ourselves and from this corrupt world. We need guidance. We need your Love.
I admit, I can’t live without you. Whenever I don’t hear your voice, I panic, but really, you’re just telling me to wait, to be still and have faith in you.
I’m trying, God. I’m trying to fight this fight and run this race the best way I know how.
I won’t move until I hear you say go, but while I’m being still and waiting, Father, I need you to keep me covered. Help me not to wander off or get distracted and pulled in by this world.
Picture this—you’re out in the woods with a group of other soldiers and you have the captain in front leading and guiding the way. The captain is giving out signs of when to go, stop, run, and even fight, so as you follow, you’re constantly looking for the leader to give you directions. You’ve been doing this for some time now. There’s a destination point but there’s still some ways to go. In the meantime, you may get tired and weary, but that’s okay, because you have the leader there going before you. That is, until you get impatient, look away, or stop paying attention. Then what? You get thrown off course. You may get lost; you get worried, and you get scared. What do you do? You can’t do this on your own. You must find the leader and look unto Him to show you the way out to safety. There’s a purpose in all of this. A plan.
I need your guidance. I’m sorry, come save me again.
About the author
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